Once upon a time, in a castle on a hill, in a land not too far from where you are, Honoria Most Tidy the Queen Mother was in residence.
She was greatly respected; admired fair and just, she wisely settled all disputes with her subjects.

Honoria was very, very old, a bit transparent really if truth be told and very unsteady on her feet. Her courage and determination were legendary.
Whenever you saw Honoria, Helper was always with her. The Helper had been sent from the very presence of the King to assist The Queen Mother with her every need, and believe me, there were plenty of those!
Helper always made sure that Honoria’s bathroom was warm and cosy and her clothes warmed.

Helper even stood by and cajoled her into taking the worst tasting medicine you can imagine, just because it was good for her. He bore the brunt of her anger when she blamed him for things that went wrong. Helper even seemed to get closer to her, and almost carry her during those times.
He was said, by some, to know the Queen Mother even better than she knew herself.

On the morning in question, Helper knocked on H.M.T.’s bedroom door. There was no reply.
Honoria usually slept reasonably well, but she was always more than ready for her morning tea and freshly brushed dentures at 7:00am precisely.
Helper entered the room, and in the half light he saw a beady pair of eyes imploring him over the top of a firmly held sheet, (well, as firmly as arthritic, twisted fingers can).

‘A spider,’ she quavered.
All was explained.
Now it was not generally known but Honoria was petrified by insects, flies, or anything that crawled. She was a real worry wort too.
She’d worry over anything; she’d spend sleepless nights working out how to help people with their troubles, or even over a missed call on her answerphone.

She kept her weaknesses fairly well hidden. But of course, Helper knew all about them, every single one.
He understood Honoria completely, and would’ve given everything to ensure her peace and safety.
‘Where?’ asked Helper.

‘I put on the lamp to see the time; a huge spider ran, across my hand and the bed, over to there…’
Honoria waved a shaking hand in the direction of the chest of drawers.
‘Right then,’ said Helper, ‘lets get you out of here and into your bathroom and I’ll find it.’
Now secretly he had his doubts, Honoria was not given to exaggeration, but he just had to find that spider. He turned the whole room upside down. He shook out everything, vacuum cleaner at the ready! Nothing…it had vanished.
When Honoria returned to her room to finish dressing, Helper confessed his failure to find the spider.
Honoria looked steadily at him, and thanked him for his diligence.

They sat on the side of the bed together. ‘We will ask The King for a hunter,’ decided Honoria. As Helper reached to pass Honoria her specs, his eye caught a shadow just up in the corner over the door.
‘Is that it?’
Honoria’s face paled and her hands trembled. The biggest, hairiest spider had the nerve to sleep in an open spot, so sure of itself. The vacuum cleaner wasn’t enough!

When Helper returned, he placed a large glass basin over the beast and swept it up with a large piece of card.
You could hear it practically hissing at its discovery, and it made the card bounce in its efforts to escape.
The local zoo were very pleased with this specimen and named it ‘fearing nothing’, to show future generations the wonderful character of Honoria Most Tidy, the Queen Mother.


Now, we know that this isn’t really quite true don’t we, but I won’t tell if you won’t,
Honoria was so thankful, and when she told her story to The King he declared a public holiday, for all to celebrate the Helper and all he did for the Kings family.
Naturally people in the kingdom got a bit silly after that. They organised spider hunts…special menus were invented…webs made of rope and wire, and even gold, if you were really rich, adorned everything.
In the end, it all settled down and life returned to normal at Castle Most Tidy and the surrounding district.
Except, however, when Helper heard shouts and bumps in the night, upon investigation he found Honoria belting merry hell out of a woodlouse with her slipper, on her best bedroom rug!

‘She’s learning’, he thought!
Helper decided to keep quiet about that one, more silliness may ensure!
I am not going to be quiet though. So here it is, immortalised in paper mache.





The moral of this story?

You can draw any conclusion you like, that’s the best bit.

But if you are stuck, here are a few to toy with.



Your enemy isn’t always where you think he is…e.g. an enemy I strove to know. He dogged my footsteps where ere I’d go.
To lofty goals he answered ‘Nay!’ Till I, from him the veil did draw, I looked and lo – myself I saw.

Anon.


Fear is always worse when it is hidden away. (Belt it with your slipper!)

3. I thought it would be more fun to depict the woodlouse, as the scene of Honoria’s triumph, instead of reminding people of her “spider, fear and failure!!”